This is definitely not the year for my grandparents.

My Grandma would have celebrated a birthday a few days ago.

I loved her birthday.birthday whatsapp status

She was one of those people you’d love to surprise with presents.

She would act like the lady or man in those Publisher’s Clearing House commercials. You know when they’re trying to get you to enter the contest by purchasing magazine subscriptions or something.

The prize crew all pull up in a minivan and pound on the unsuspecting new subscriber to Prevention magazine’s door.

Balloons in the bouquet rattle and make that weird sound only balloons do when ready to surprise.

And there’s that giant ass check and the surprised round mouthed face and the hugging begins….

Yeah, that’s what it was like to give my Grandma a present.

It could be her millionth pair of Deerfoam house shoes or some gaudy Pucci-esque scarf, a heavily crayoned note from M, ... just anything… and she would be completely elated about it.

Grinning wide from ear to ear.

And I felt sadness that I wouldn’t see her face or hear her yelling over the phone this year, or any year, ever again.

I thought of how I miss sending her little things in the mail.

And then I thought about my Grandpa and how he was feeling on her birthday.

And then my mom called and said he was in the hospital, and they found cancer just everywhere and it was too late to do anything at all.

It just blows my mind how he must have been suffering the entire time my Grandma was battling cancer and going through her treatments and didn’t say anything.

He was just withdrawn and that’s probably normal when your wife of over 60 years is suffering beside you.

In just 24 hours, he was released and then stopped breathing and his heart stopped, 911 was called and they resuscitated him. And he was put on life support and then we found out he didn’t want to be on life support, so he was taken off of it and now he’s in a coma.

Tests showed that there is no longer any brain activity. He’s having seizures. They are not feeding him through the IV, they are only giving him morphine.

The doctor said he was a week at most.

I’ve talked about him, I think.

He was an alcoholic. He was abusive and beat my dad and his brothers when they were young, but the weird and maybe amazing thing about my dad’s side of the family is that no one ever harbored the blame and hate which typically comes along with a childhood like that.

Never once have I heard my dad or his brothers blame some bad part of their lives on my Grandpa and the abuse.

Growing up for me, all family gatherings were not complete without him getting too drunk and slurring and singing.

He was one of those life of the party drunks, for the most part. whatsapp status Always eager to repeat the same damn stories about the Korean War, whatsapp status best being in the Philipines and the friendly wahines (women) and the monkey he befriended in the jungle… he’d drink more on top of that… and soon he would become a regular lounge act.whatsapp status

The same songs, his favorite songs…

“Tiny bubbles… in the wine… makes me happy… (hicccup) feel fine…”

He’d pause to emphasize certain parts, make eye contact with someone, anyone. Do a point of the finger and wink of the eye and continue singing. . .

his other favorite song, “Sweetheart… Aloha…”

He could sing.

I mean, he wasn’t great or anything, but he wasn’t shy at all about it.

He really got into it. No music was needed, he just had it all in his head, spilling out vocally with emotion, smiles and winks and the occasional tear.

And at that point, it meant it was time for Grandpa to go home. And my Grandma would grab his elbow and they would leave, slowly shuffling out the door.

I’m thinking back to that time I went to Hawaii to help out my Grandma last year. And how during that, I spent time with my Grandpa, as well.

They didn’t want me to leave.

My Grandpa got out of bed every day and actually ate. And ate anything I brought over. He was probably around 95 pounds when I last saw him and losing weight.

And he talked and told me stories and showed me things in their new little condo.

Every little trinket and photo had a story.

I feel so fortunate to have had that time alone with them.

And those are the memories I’m really trying to focus on.

I have to admit, my heart feels heavy with guilt.

And I guess this is the selfish part that comes along with losing a loved one and coping. I don’t know.

I told myself after my Grandma died, I would be really good about keeping in touch with him.

And when she died, I slowly let go of him too, if that makes sense.

A million times I thought, I should write him and have M send him a card and picture. I even had an iphoto book in the works that I was going to have made and send him of my various photos and of M.

The night before I found out, I was planning on making him a DVD of M with some movies she just made of herself; a funny little music video of herself singing and in song proclaiming that she is in fact, the “best singer EVER”. And then her doing her best Elliott Smith imitation with her own made up touching lyrics and the ukelele (again) followed by her own spoken word poetry.

I thought how he would really get a kick out of that.

He really loved her. She made him beam. When my Grandma died, the only time I saw him smile was when M was talking to him, playing with him or hugging him.

And those are the photos I lost on the MacBook a while ago. All the ones of M and him playing catch and goofing off. Both of them smiling like crazy.

God, I wish I had those pictures.

I have been really upset. I know it’s probably for the best when he finally passes away and isn’t suffering anymore. And I know he’s old and these things happen, and hell, it did just happen to my Grandma.

We all know about death, but I just want to say I hate it. Still.

It’s been tough keeping upbeat and happy for M, but I’m doing fine.

She played DJ tonight and took over my MacBook and searched for “her songs”. She did this great singalong to some Crystal Gayle tonight, all while closing her eyes to belt out ”.. and don’t it make my brown eyes bloooooo….” and strumming her ukelele.




Evil cake that I ate, after a huge breakfast.

of my fat chubby body… as I sit here, kind of reclined, feeling my bones settle comfortably into my newfound chub suit.

Yes! It was all the rage for Winter 2006 and I’m determined to keep it going in Spring 07.

Sigh.

I was walking to my car this morning after I dropped M off at her classroom door.

I watched as she walked in and smiled and waved. I spun around on my heel and headed back the way I came.

While I walked briskly with the other departing parents, I began staring at the asphalt scattered with little branches and twigs from the trees lining the sidewalks…

They were all over the place and I was careful not to step on any.

“Wow,” I thought.

“These look a lot like pretzels!”

Really!

Has anyone noticed how much brown shiny twigs can look like little pretzel bits?

M calls them “prent-zels”.

I need to annunciate, I guess.

I love that she writes everything down these days. Her stories and spelling errors remind me of something a dog would do, if the dog attempted to journal.

She wrote a letter to her pediatrician yesterday, talking about her class at school and wrote “itcept”, instead of “except” (not a word on her spelling list just yet, but she tries!)

I am reminded of this old Far Side cartoon that used to crack me up when I was like eight years old.

I think it was a dog, trying to lure a cat into the dryer or some sort of trap that would be awful for a cat.

And dog wrote a sign that said “CAT FUD——>” with an arrow directing the cat to the “fud”.

God, I still laugh about that cartoon.

For years, my brother and I called food, “fud”.

When we weren’t fighting, he would climb up on the jungle gym with me and say “Hey, wanna go look for some fud in the kitchen?”

And I would crack up.

Man, how I loved the Far Side.

I should look for that cartoon!

I guess it’s only funny when you know how to spell.

* * *

I’ve been having a creative block of sorts. I can’t write and don’t feel like listening to music or posting photos. I was unsure of what to write after my last post about my Grandmother’s funeral.

I mean, I got seriously annoyed by some Asian chicks in a Chipotle and even took a secret photo of them and had planned to come right home and blog about them… but then I thought, ‘I can’t post something so petty after such a heavy-hearted post!’ ... and declined.

But really, these chicks were all huddled around one cup of soda with three straws. Eating their carnitas bols with such delicate picking movements. Seriously. What made the sight even worse to witness was the fact that they all had severe underbites.

You know, like bulldogs.

And they would finally bring food to their mouths and that lower jaw action was reminding me of turtles. Oh and they all had their elbows bent on the table and ate with their forearms perfectly erect.

The communal soda cup would get passed around. Sip. Sip. Sip.valentines day whatsapp status Pick. Pick. Pick. One shred of pork at a time was slowly chewed like cud. (“cud” being one of those things that fascinated me as a child. You know, cows and their cud and their multiple stomachs. How fascinating and sickening, but awesome if you were eating something you really really wanted to savor!)

I had the urge to just push myself over next to them and grab the back of their heads, shove their faces into their bols and scream:

“Eat it! Dammit! EAT! It’s freakin’ Chipotle for god’s sakes. This ain’t no china tea party, bitches!”

I guess I’ve been in a foul mood since returning from Hawaii. I go shopping and start to buy things to send to my Grandma and then I realize she’s dead.

Then my 93 year old Grandma,with all latest status for whatsapp in Vegas, my mom’s mom… she had a huge stroke. They said it would’ve killed a woman half her age, but somehow my Grandma is alive.

Being my mom’s mom, I am very close to her. I’ve had much more time with her than any other grandparent. I’m also the youngest granddaughter of like 12 other granddaughters and spoiled. She moved from Maui to CA and lived nearby when I was in high-school.

I used to visit her after school. She would tell me stories and teach me how to make sushi. She even taught me to make Japanese futons. I sewed one with her help. Whenever I was sick, she would come over to cook and take care of me while my mom was at work.

There are many times in my life where I needed someone and without saying anything or me asking, my Grandma was there. She never lectured me about my life, or told me what to do, she just talked to me and did her best to make me smile and feel loved whatsapp I was just there in cool new whatsapp status Vegas to visit her. She has been moved to a rehab center.whatsapp status I’m still in shock, seeing her like that, unable to move, or talk. All of her food is pureed because she has no control over her tongue yet.

She is normally active and ready to go off to the casino with her bag of change. She is a nonstop chatterbox. She’s very opinionated and always has something to discuss.

Now she’s just still and silent.

I went in and just talked to her like normal. At first, I wanted to cry and hug her and was at a loss for words, but then I decided to just act like nothing was wrong with her and have the same sort of conversations we would normally have.

I told her all about M and her refusal to cut her bangs and hair. Her hair is almost as long as mine and I’m starting to think she wants her hair long because it is like mine. Ha.

My mom, aunt, and myself were there late one night at the rehab facility and we were changing her clothes and diaper thingy. (The nurses there aren’t very attentive to her needs, especially at night. It’s sad.)

We had to roll her body back and forth to accomplish this. It was quite difficult!

My aunt put baby powder on her and we all laughed that Grandma was kinda like a sumo wrestler in her big ol’ diaper thing and powdery butt.

It sounds mean, I know, but my Grandma actually made a face and tried so hard to laugh. Her whole body was shaking and she kinda smiled.

I have no idea if she’s going to recover from this stroke and gain control of her body again. She is in physical, speech and occupational therapy everyday and progress seems very, very slow at this point.

Right now, I’m in NY for a few days before heading back to Vegas. I’ve been exhausted and needed a mini-break. It’s way cold here! It was in the 80’s back in Vegas when I left.

And this post is completely random and lengthy and I’m not editing it, otherwise I probably won’t post it.

Oh, if anyone has any music recommendations, please let me know. What are y’all listening to these days? I think we all kinda like the same stuff. Feel free to share.

Oh! I went to see the Sweet and Tender Hooligans with my dad, at the Casbah! We had a father-daughter night out, which was really great. Remind me to tell you all about it later.

Hope everyone is enjoying their spring break, if you have one. And Happy Easter, if you do that sort of thing.

And thank you for your kind comments and emails about my last post.